Bud Light's Winter Sports Variety Show!

First off, I must confess that I know nothing about sports. The Super Bowl is the only sports event that I watch, and even then, I'll admit that I don't pay much attention. I'm usually eating greasy food and hanging out with a group of friends. I just so happen to be doing this as I type.

That being said, the following is my impression of this year's Super Bowl.

Bud Light seems to be playing a very important role in this year's Super Bowl. Just now, there was a commercial that featured a NASA-esque team of scientists observing that a meteor was heading straight towards earth. They all collectively decided that the best solution to this crisis would be to get wasted... on none other than Bud Light! They proceeded to horse around a bit and have a good 'ol time. We then see that the meteor ended up being a minor threat, causing the scientists to celebrate even more!

The commercial ends, and the Super Bowl comes back on, but not before all the viewers at home were treated with a big Bud Light logo being displayed over the football field accompanied by a narrator describing the positive qualities of the particular intoxicating beverage.

Two groups of men (made distinguishable by their uniforms) then proceeded to run around on astro turf. This doesn't happen for very long before the next commercial. Personally, I didn't like this part of the variety show, and I found that it was distracting me from the thought of Bud Light.

Thankfully, I was soon treated to another commercial featuring America's favorite mixture of yeast waste products: Bud Light. This one was very unique in that it featured men drinking Bud Light. However, after they drank the beverage, their voices sounded as if they were going through an Autotune filter. Autotune is an effect that is commonly applied to vocals in pop and rap music. It essentially "fixes" the pitch of the vocalist's voice in an effort to make them sound on key at all times. I'm not sure how this really relates to Bud Light, other than the fact that, when intoxicated, one feels much more confident about their singing voice. Hopefully, this will remind viewers to drink their Bud Light before the half time show, so they can have more confidence whilst singing along to the hits of The Who.

The Super Bowl comes back on, and we see two people in suits blabbing about nonsense. To make matters worse, they're doing all of this in front of a Doritos logo. Now, I'm not one to complain, but what the hell does Bud Light have to do with Doritos? I once consumed an entire bag of Doritos and felt no intoxicating effects. So, why waste time eating Doritos when you could be spending your hard earned cash on Bud Light?

This nonsense soon came to an end. I was then fortunate enough to be gifted with the pleasure of viewing another Bud Light advertisement. This one started out somewhat scary, but of course had a happy ending. It began with a plane crashing on a beach, or something like that. I'll be honest, I wasn't exactly paying attention. Anyway, the inhabitants of the plane seemed a bit shaken up as they cautiously walked around the wreckage. Suddenly, to everyone's delight, one of the stranded passengers finds a huge metal container filled with nothing but Bud Light. This causes everyone to forget about what is, by all means, a very serious problem.

Thus, the Super Bowl has taught us that, no matter how bad things seem to get, no matter how horrible and depressing our situation may be, Bud Light will be there to help you forget. These advertisements have shown us that, even if a meteor is threatening the entire planet, or even if you're stranded on an unknown island with potentially no hope of escape: Bud Light will be there to provide you with a wonderful wave of euphoria while simultaneously drowning your sorrows.